Reminiscence.

A story about Life & Absence.

"Hey, I ain't never coming home
Hey, I'll just wander my own road
Hey, I can't meet you here tomorrow
Say goodbye don't follow
Misery so hollow.

Hey you, you're livin'
Life full throttle
Hey you, pass me down that
Bottle, yeah
Hey you, you can't shake
Me round nowI get so lost and don't
Know how
And it hurts to care,
I'm going down..."
Alice In Chains, Don't follow.

Yesterday went to my mom’s and played old songs from some long ago. That was a fucking creepy experience, you know what I mean. Hearing raspy voices, guitars, and all those pure acoustic sounds that defined my teen years, like Chris Cornell’s “Steel rain”, Mark Lanegan’s “Pendulum”, Layne Staley’s “Don’t follow” and probably one of the greatest personal hymns, Grant Lee Phillip’s “Fuzzy”.

Made me chill right to the bone.

Through the years it’s so weird feeling those sinking emotions that still get me down…

And it’s really sad.
(You have not a fucking idea).

Nowadays, all my longings r’ coming down every sunset, and I think is not fair.

Is not fair feeling so horribly lonely here,
Just missing you.

And you know, I feel guilty for all the moments that we lived together and cannot get out of my mind. Despite not having many points in common, like your ideas about faith and God —or the inexistence of both—, the commercial pop music you used to listen and dance and the need to adopt a queer pose, I still miss you so much,

‘Cause you were able to look inside, and embraced me, when I needed the most.
Even I loved to feel your body into my spirit, as never before.

Since those days, it’s been hard to letting you go, being so unusual as I am. And I’m not talking about sexuality, but the way people round here categorize any little aspect of their ordinary “black, grey and white” lives.

Damn! I know! miss the idea of you,
But is the only real emotion I’ve ever have.

For years, I’ve tried to find “a right person”, in so many ways… Tryin’ to share any song, any ludic writing, any film, any ficticious-tender moment of sex… Looking for someone real everywhere, in any little aspect of my life: on city streets, in the middle of the forest, the taste of wine, the smell of coffee, the concerts, the lyrics of Morrissey and Indie bands, the lines of David Leavitt and JT Leroy, the films of Ang Lee and John Cameron Mitchel…

And is so sad not finding anyone,
Just to getting lost.
(Lonesome).

It is sad to realise that Time is going fast, and I’m getting old.

If you ever read my lines, just tell me,
Is there a kit purring by your side, when you wake up?

“I’m fuzzy now”.